Sunday, November 6, 2011
Arby Quinn - A Guide to Construction
Sometimes in life a man can tire of living under a tree or a disused dog house. Sometimes a man desires a proper dwelling, in short; something with a roof. Now we've all heard the story about those pigs, about how stupid the first pig was messing around with sticks while the aryan super pig somehow lay his hands on a load of bricks and managed to build a house with them, first things first, that's all rubbish. Forget everything you think you know about building things, especially if it involves pigs of any kind.
Kick it down, missus brown. This is an old Irish tradition, the kicking test. Basicaly, if I can't kick it over it's grand. That's why the whole stick, wood, brick hierarchy is such a fallacy. If I find a load of bricks in a pile I can easily kick them over, however have you ever tried to kick over a tree? Well, I have and it really doesn't work. This tip is, once you think you're finished building something give it a solid kick. If your project falls over into a heap of crap, you need to start again; if it's still standing you did good. Bonus points for having broken toes. (A sign of a good builder that can't afford steel capped boots.)
How many animals are there inside it? Animals are rife in this part of the country and they tend to infest things as soon as you can erect them. "Oh" says the local heffer "Somebody has put up a new barn for me, how nice." Well, you've got to say no to that cow, no, you can't live in my new house. They mightn't listen to you but my god you've got to try.
Electricity. What is electricity? Lights are great but they aren't always an option, you've got to make the most of what's available. Water is good so if you have a river nearby why not build your house over it? People mightn't like the resultant contamination of their water supply but that's the price of progress. (Be sure to remind them of this when they turn up with the police.) Apple trees are nice, especially if you can build your house in such a way that the apples actually fall into your kitchen from the tree, I'm not sure how you would manage that but it's an idea. Then you'd never have to leave your house again, never be bothered by the rigours and agony of daily village life. Imagine.
Defense, because houses are enviable. Let's face it, the second you finish your house every local estranged husband, fox, badger or drug addict will be turning up at your door looking for free lodging. To them you are the kind man of the woods, you've got to put them straight. Simple ideas like putting up a sign that says "No, I am not the kind man of the woods" or keeping a few emergency bees handy sometime work but usually you need something a little more reliable. To this end I recommend an elaborate collection of pit traps and poisoned dart launchers, these should work every time as long as the inruder hasn't seen any of the Indiana Jones films.
Remember to enjoy your house! Once you've built that mother you've really got to enjoy it while you've got it. There are so many forces out there you can't control that would enjoy nothing more than to tear it down again so you have to take the moment. Treasure those moments in the rain storm where you remain completely dry, devour those times where you can escape the farmers dog without having to climb a tree and love those days where you have somewhere to keep your stuff that the sheep won't get into it.