Saturday, February 19, 2011
Herding with Landmines
A thought occurred to me today as I supped on my great Starbucks Americano. You can't herd with land mines.
Now, what I mean by that is that you can't punish yourself for not following the exact path you laid out for yourself. I mean, I look back on my life and yeah, I wish sometimes that things had gone differently. I wish something that fell apart had been stronger, I wish that today I could wake up to the world I had imagined then.
It's the core feeling of desire, or of vision even. It's a great thing to envisage an ideal world, with every smiling face you ever never wanted to lose and everything in that balance. That balance that should have been.
So, I failed, I'm willing to accept that. I should have been stronger when the chances were open, I should have found a way to make that world a reality but, and the point is this, I didn't. I did achieve other things, things I never would have planned or counted on. Where one thing fell down to my horror another sprung up proud and implacable. Everything I feared to lose is gone but I have other things now, in their place. Is there sense to that?
You can't herd with land mines. You can't write that pact in blood and expect it to stand. Things will come when you are ready for them.
So this leaves me trying to get back into writing, back into that old fight. When the next chances open before me I will be more prepared. And I can wait, like a wolf, I can wait.