I have a growing list of things I'd like to write about here but every time I motivate myself to make a post I'm left short in ideas. Nothing seems worth writing about, or impossible to express. I'm back in Navan now, away from the congested streets of Dublin and back under a clear sky. I am thankful for the chance to be here for a while, but I'm hoping it won't be for long.
I'm looking for another job of course but that ever present of dream of getting something published is always dancing in my mind. I don't have control over any of things however and I've always hated that.
I pass my time by studying for my driving license exam and for programming Qualifications, I have things to do but also plenty of time to write and I am making more time now just to sit in a quiet room, television off, and just writing. It's never easy, to focus. Only, I think my problem is the opposite, I'm too focused, too focused on jobs, on exams, too focused on the next big thing. I am impatient, egotistical, overdriven.
And then I will turn and put another plan in place, another scheme to set things right. But that isn't always the way. I need to start thinking more like a hippy, more like, that things are cool. I need to just be. I have no idea how to do that.
I do not know the future, I may have my chance at the things I desire, I might not but I do not serve myself forsaking myself in favor of my quest for meaning. It's like feeding the crew of an ocean liner into the engines, sure, it's extra fuel for free but now you are just an empty hulk of unthinking steel, pushing through the freezing waves for no other reason than because you can.