Well, it's Friday night. I'm sitting in bed listening to Bill Hicks feeling exhausted and angsty, lets take a step back from it all shall we.
I want to pick something pleasant to talk about. Something positive. But I can't think of anything like that at the moment.
What I can think about is the world I live in and all the characters in it. The people who I wish I knew better, the people I wish I didn't have to know at all. I am wrapped up in this story and there's nothing I can do about it. I sometimes wonder about the true level of determinism that exists for all of us. How everything is dictated in one way or another, just a formula playing itself out for all eternity.
So, in the face of this, and other countless arguments against caring, how do we keep going. How do we get up in the morning and keep believing, in something.
I certainly don't know what I believe in, probability I suppose. I realised there is a probability that my dreams will be acheived, but is such a slight thing a reason for continueing?
I think the thing that keeps me going is a feeling I experience every so often. The feeling that I have grown, that I have moved closer to the person I want to be. That's what keeps me going. And it's nice in the way that it's not necessarily dependent on anything, life will provide the challenges I need. What's not so nice is that you can go a long time without one.
Well, I reckon I had one this week, so I'm good for another while at least. That was our step back, march on!