Monday, October 29, 2012

Arby's Guide to Computers

Computers are big, there's not a single point trying to deny that and no amount of protesting outside of the local library is going to change that. The local farmer's wives coalition learned that the hard way.

I myself have become quite cyber-liberated and will often harness the power of the libraries dell hyper-processors to carry out a wide variety of high-tech tasks. Some of these I will now impart.

Forbidden Knowledge: This is the greatest boon the internets can impart on one such as myself, the down trodden. How else would I have learned how to mix my own napalm from green diesel or produce a pipe bomb from only a potato and half a cup of bleach. Of course, I'd never do any of these horrible things but it's important the government know that I know how to do it. Keeps them on their toes. Only the constant threat of internet aided terrorism ensures the survival of modern democracy.

Hilarious Cat Pictures: There was a time where the people of my village would need to derive pleasure from accurately represented portraits of cats, brought to life through a genius of acrylic or watercolour. No more! The power of technology allows modern cat fans to “scan” their cat of choice to share with the world even going to far as to include humorous text to fully illustrate that most fanciful illusions of a cat that speaks. Coincidentily this is what brough the local farmer's wives coalition to its knees when pictures of “Mister Catsworth McMitten” the cat belonging to the leader of the coalition were published in a local paper. The scandal that occurred will resound for some time on local bulletin boards as they are almost entirely out of blu-tak.

Fun Electronic Games: Have you ever dreampt of what might happen if a shark was to attempt ambulance on land or perhaps you wonder what it might take for a turtle to walk along platforms, throwing bombs and boomerangs as it goes. All this and more is now a disturbing a reality through the power of computers. This was my favorite passtime until I eventually temporaily banned for being a, and I quote, “computer hogging nuisance.”

In summation, the world of computers will surely devour us all in time. Already there exists web sites containing all knowledge possessed by the human race (or perhaps significantly more.) Soon computers will be teaching the children how they want to be taught and calculating the most difficult of problems such as “how much poteen can I drink before passing out.” Or “how many times can I borrow Sean the scorpions tools before he completely loses it and knocks over my shed.” Until then however the provide an excellent distraction from the fact we share the planet with other human beings.

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