There's a fire in my belly and it just won't go out. These rejection letters are firing up something inside me, some base dissatisfaction with life.
Of course it doesn't help that I'm under pressure at work but the net effect is I'm burning inside. My heart is seizing control of everything, and it is not happy.
Age has taught me better how to handle this, but it has not yet become easy. I release it where I can, writing or whatever. I apply it to my life, looking upon with new vigour, with new expectation. I want to destroy the dams, and let this run free. But I also know that dams are necessary, I will need them again, once this time is done.
My unfulfilled dreams and wants are burned into my mind. At times like this the dreams are so vivid they blind you to reality. It seems so real that you have to ask "why can't it be true?" Why can't I have those things, why can't I be that person. Humility is the lesson, I walk a path, just like all my kind. All my doomed brothers and sisters. Why should I expect more.
I look upon the garden of my life, and there is so much death. Even the plants which I was so proud of, that seemed to grow despite everything, have now died. Not to say there is only death, don't try and call me an Emo or anything. I mean, life is death. Things end, I just, can't handle it sometimes.
There is a line in a song, "feelings that matter, never end". I always took that to mean, only the permanent things in life matter. But actualy reading it again, I suppose it could mean that though something lives and dies, if it had it's time, if it really mattered. You have it forever.
I have no heart for these things. All my future flowers will be plastic ones.